This has been a hard day.

Hi Milla.

It's Mom.

I'm going to have a bit of a whinge now. I'm sorry. But before I do, let me congratulate you on being cuter today than you've ever been. Dad and I agree: you are the ultimate deliciousness.

You're walking like a champ. You're able to understand most of what we say, and can bring us specific things - like your socks, your shoes, your book, your duck, your sunglasses, a ball, our phones - on request. You're also talking, and this blows me away. Cos it's real talking. Not babbling.

A week ago, the only word in your vocabulary was 'deh' (there). As of this afternoon, you can also say 'goh' (go), 'boo' (book), 'doh' (door), 'poon' (spoon), 'gak' (cat) and a few others. Amazing.

You're AMA-ZING.

Right, the whinge.

1. We're ... Jew-ish.

And this is a problem now that I'm trying to find you a school. My heart wants a Jewish school for you, because that's what I had, and loved, and what made me feel secure and comfortable with who I am. My heart also wants a Jewish school because I feel horribly, hideously guilty not sending you to one.

But my head acknowledges, albeit resentfully, that the oft-lauded Jewish education of old is not what it once was. There are better schools out there. Better-run, better-financed, better-equipped, better-staffed schools.

The fact that I probably can't afford one notwithstanding, and aside from the very real fact that I should have put you down when I peed on those (two) sticks... and not waited til now.

Anyway, bottom line? There are two pre-schools on the shortlist. One, a Jewish play school and pre-school nearby; the other, a multi-faith Montessori pre-school. I've provisionally registered you at both. I need to visit more schools, clearly, because I want a mix of them. I want the best of both for you.

Alas, there's only one primary school on the current shortlist. But my odds of winning the Euro Lotto are higher than those of getting you one of five coveted places at this particular establishment, as you're not a sibling of a current student, nor am I an alumnus. So, here I go again, darlin'. Lookee, lookee.

2. I'm feeling sensitive.

Twitter was a twitchy place for me today. There were under-currents and tensions and innuendoes, and while I'm usually super-chilled about those sorts of things, I took them very much to heart today. I've decided to lay my cards on the table in future and to take the risks inherent in saying what I think.

3. I'm feeling PND-ish.

So, I've been better for ages and ages. The meds work, I'm loving motherhood (even working motherhood), and I'm more or less back to the old, mad, energetic me. Except that I have the odd daily bout of sadness. Of heartsoreness. Of pre-panic-attack-twinginess. Nothing actually comes of them, and they're not helped by my chronic inability to eat properly or get enough sleep, but they are there all the same and they're taking it out of me. I'm depleted. There's not enough of me left at the end of the day.

4. I'm feeling guilty.

At this moment in time, I don't want more children. I wanted my perfect little girl. I got you. I adore you. And you're all I want, need and - if we're being honest - can handle :) So I'm not in the market, so to speak, for another birth or another baby (I loved being pregnant, so I'll gladly do that bit again.)

Is there something wrong with me? A lot of the moms I'm friends with, even those who work and are utterly, utterly exhausted, are gearing up to gear up for #2. And when they ask if I want more children, and they all ask, and I say No, it's all they can do to thinly veil their absolute horror. Some even tell me that it's 'cruel' to have only one child. Bullshit. I had a great life. But that requires its own post...

So, there you have it. Mommy's four whinges for Monday 13 March 2012. It was 72 months (six years) yesterday since Dad and I became a couple, and sadly, this has been a hard day. But now I'm off for dinner and a movie with Dad (you're sleeping over at Yiayia), so it can only improve.

May you have mostly easy days - and be able to handle the few hard days that come.

I love you.

Mom x